"The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder."

Thus begins another stressful week of work, but on the bright side it's Wednesday? This weekend went better than expected, my birthday party was fun. I enjoyed it, even if nobody else did and that night I got my Nook from Barnes and Noble. I would've saved it for Serendipitous Saturdays, but I really couldn't. I've gotten a lot of grief about how real readers have paper copies of books in their hands not a piece of machinery. But I've been an avid reader since kindergarten, especially doing it for fun. I saw this as a way to have a lot of books at my finger tips whenever I want and that's exactly what it is. Downloading e-books is quick and easy and way cheaper than buying in store when you can't always get there for the next book in a series. I'm reading books even faster than usual and it's the most relaxing thing to curl up with Charlotte, my Nook, and just read nonstop. I already finished, "Skinny Bitch," a book outwardly about how to get skinny, but inside it's a mental trip that exposes all the harmful effects of food and the industries that bring it to us. I highly recommend it. I also downloaded: The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud, Beastly, and Something Borrowed. These books should keep me busy until Saturday.

I've been so tired lately and I'm sure the Bendryl I had to take yesterday didn't help. (My ears were swollen like Dumbo and super red. It was cute.) I've decided I'd really like a week off work, a straight week of sleeping in and relaxing, maybe even some crafting and room planning. That'd be fantastic. But for now, I'll take my sleeping in just fine thank you. I'm sure throughout the summer I'll include more book reviews, which will be fun and I've also be re-evaluating my plans thanks to some inspiration from Sam. Yes, I'm so indecisive, it's wonderful. :)

always, elle

p.s. ironically, my quote for today's post is by Virginia Woolf and the current source of my anguish is named Virginia. 

"If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start, But I, would rather you let me give my heart."

Dear Week, Please be over. This birthday was probably the worst I've ever had, or at least way up there on the list of the worst. I'm so sick and tired of the drama. I'm sick of the over reacting, the not thinking, the lack of consideration for anyone's feelings. All of it. Emily moving in has to be the best thing that's happened in months. Her and I have practically spent every waking hour together, even some very tired waking hours for the past week. We have a special relationship that can't be defined by words or quotes or youtube videos. It's remarkable. She's kept me sane the past few days, reminding me that's it all childish bs and that it's not worth it.

And it's not. I let it all ruin my birthday. I cried and cried when I should have been celebrating. People can say what they want about me: call me a bitch, say I'm selfish, whatever, I've heard it all. I just want this to be done. If you want to be in my life, prove it with actions. I'm sick of the I'm sorry's. They mean nothing to me anymore. It's like a broken record. If you're going to be immature, don't drag me into it. How old are we? Um, almost 20, yeah you act like you're 13 in junior high. It's unnecessary. If not for this blog, Sam, Trey, and for Em, I'd probably lose my mind, honestly. This shit is enough to put me over the edge. I'm glad she defends me and sticks by my side through everything and ya know watching me shop for 6 hours straight. :)

Today is my birthday party. I'm excited, hopefully it will be less all the drama this week because I need a day that I'm not stressed out of my mind. On a brighter note, I got my hair highlighted finally. I mean it only meant sitting for 3 hours wondering if my hair would still be orange at the end, yes I said orange.

Have a good Sunday kids and I'm sorry I'm about the ranting. I'm trying to stop.

always, elle

“All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.”

This will be final post as an eighteen year old. Weird. It should be anti-climactic. But I'm having major nostalgia. This past year has been full of new, it's the adult life full of college, lots of work, and not lacking in drama for sure even up till this final day. I always say I'm different on these wonderful momentous days, but honestly I'm different everyday. I'm faced with a new situation EVERY day. No matter what. I come in contact with someone different, I deal with new problems, and I am constantly molding and changing every day.

Tomorrow will be June 10th. I will be 19 years old at 5:08 AM. (Arizona time; 8:08 am NY time). I won't wake up feeling different. I will probably go about my day as usual, except for the millions of texts/facebook comments from people I haven't spoken to in months wishing me a happy birthday because it was on their events on facebook. It won't be different because every day I'm one day older. Today is the last June 9th, 2010 I will ever have. Did I waste it? No. Life is too precious to waste a single day waiting for something better to come along. And I'm so guilty. I want new always, but I never want to make the effort to go out and get it. Today I did and yesterday I did. I showed houses yesterday, showed them today, wrote two rental apps, and I've gained confidence in myself. I can't wait for life to happen. I have to figure it out on my own. This summer I've learned so much already. It's been a month since summer started and I already feel better. I credit that to realizing who is worth it, who is making me grow as a person, and letting go of people who are only bringing me down. Emily is now living with us as Matthew and David's live in nanny and we've probably never been closer in our lives and it's amazing. She builds me up. She's exactly what I need. I can't wait to bust out the adult Mad Libs and lay on the bed speaking in English accents while playing MKF.

Tomorrow will be wonderful, actually this whole freaking weekend. Ahh. Birthday week rocks my socks, always has, always will. We will be going out to dinner for my birthday: the whole fam bam (including my sis of course). I'm sad Trey and KK won't be there, but I'll have all weekend to look forward to. I'm also dying my hair and getting it highlighted in the first time in well over a year and a half  tomorrow. I'm going mega light and I'm SO excited about it. I waited to get my business cards done until I decided what I wanted to do with my hair. Then, Saturday I'll be showing more houses to a new client. Awesome and Sunday's my party at the freaking aquarium with my very favorites. I love fish.

Blogging has been fantastic tonight, but Matilda and sister skype sesh are calling my name.

Always, Elle

P.S. Here's some birthday lovin' from the past few years. :)

Sweet 16. 

17th: Surprise Party.

18th: Freaks and Geeks.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to be over, but learning to dance in the rain"

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s him standing there, admitting he’s just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.

through rain or shine.

Always, Elle

"It can only take a moment to waste the rest of your life."

Two days until

It will probably be anti-climatic. I don't expect anything more, so anything more will be exciting for me. 

“So I won’t hesitate no more. It cannot wait, I’m sure, there’s no need to complicate. Our time is short, this is our fate: I’m yours!”

I think I will post twice today. Every once in awhile it's nice to share your feelings about people, especially when they don't know who it is. That's the best! :)

1. I wish you saw how much you're tearing us apart. I don't know what happened to a person I called my best friend. I don't wanna be a temporary convenience friend. It's not fun and none of us deserve it. I stand up for you always even when you do the same thing to me. Try thinking of us for a change.

2. I frequently worry that you don't like me, that you've never accepted me. It's so hard because I want your approval so badly. I have only good intentions. I promise I'll take care of him. I love him too.

3. Spending more time with you has been the best thing ever for me, for us. You're the most fabulous person I know. I love that we're so alike and you just get me and you never judge me. I don't know where I'd be without your texts that say "I just want you to know you're my best friend in the whole world." You can always make my day and I promise I'll make next year rock.

4. The day you called me fat was the day I lost a lot of respect for you and our relationship changed forever. I'll always be bitter as much as I don't want to.

5. People don't understand why I do not like you, when to me it's so obvious and it should be so obvious. Being someone's friend does not require constant texting and talking bad about me to him. I've been through this before, so has he. I know he hates when I talk to other guys I'm just friends with, well I feel the same about you. I wish you'd give it up. I know your real intentions even when everyone else is fooled.

6. Thank you for coming home. I don't know what I would do without those Friday nights with you. I love how great we get along and just understand each other.  Sorry for getting you addicted to looking/planning tattoos. I hope you realize how much you belong here, even if this group is falling apart. You belong as my best friend for sure. Always.

7. We just stopped talking. I don't understand. If you don't want to be friends with me, that's your choice I guess.

8. I don't know where to start or where this would end if I spoke my true feelings. I'm just over it.

9. You've really grown on me as a person. I was worried you were gonna hurt my best friend, but you make her so happy. You can have cupcakes any time you want for that.

10. I'm secretly so glad you failed english, because you're back here with me. I'm so glad you got along with my other best friend. It makes me so happy because you both are pretty much stuck with me for life.

11. Please go on vacation without us more. I love being able to stay out late and come home to Dad's. Plus, I like not having a dose of douche everyday. It sort of rocks.

12. MARRY ME ALREADY. Seriously. I'm so impatient. Just kidding, not about being impatient. I love reiterating to you how certain I am that you're my other half. You are my constant source of laughter and happiness. If you ever doubt our love look down at your chest, there's an ampersand there and your heart is below it. I'm represented in both places for life. I always told myself that my soulmate would have to love country as much as I do. You're the only guy I've ever dated who does and understands how the music is so wonderful and describes everything you've ever felt. One day, we'll be blasting Tim McGraw from our kitchen that has big white windows facing out to our green green grass and you'll come up behind me while I'm at the stove cooking dinner for us and you'll squeeze me and kiss my cheek. I know we're us forever. I love you. "Just to see you smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to."

"where the green grass grows"

"We make the sun shine in the moonlight. We can make the gray clouds into blue skies, as long as you're with me."

There's something wonderful about summer. It's sleeping in, staying up, the warm weather (okay, not that), flowery dresses, and of course my birthday. I'm loving it. I've been so busy and mom's been out of my hair. It's been so great. Last night I went to see Lady Antebellum and Tim McGraw in concert with Trey, Emily, and Kiara. Ahhh such a blast. We danced and sang in the grass and took crazy pictures. It's funny how you take a moment to just be still amidst the loud and look around and realize how incredibly lucky you are. I was in Trey's arms, laughing with my best friends, and I was so happy. I really can't imagine having better people in my life. Today was no exception. It was my parent's office monthly office meeting and they were announcing new agents and Angela said how proud she was to say her daughter was now an agent. Seeing and hearing my parents talk so highly of me has to be one of the best feelings in the world. I wish to surround myself with this positivity not only right now, but for the rest of the summer. It feels great.

I can't even explain how awesome it is to tell people you're excited and YOU ACTUALLY ARE. Ah, best thing ever. I'm so glad and plus my birthday is in 6 DAYS! Whaaaat, awesome. I'm gonna be 19. I'm working on my 20 before 20 list as we speak and trying to ignore a ton of emails that are flashing at me. Ha, it's not working at all. Most likely, I will be packing up Laura Laptop and heading over to Samantha's for the night and watching Say Yes to the Dress and talking about life. It's my favorite. 

Enjoy your Friday kids and I'll be back tomorrow because it's wonderful Saturday. 

P.S. I love that I know who looks at this, because I now know my stalker is actually my best friend. Dear Sam, I love you. <3

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder. You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger. May you never take one single breath for granted."

Today is the day, my very favorite person will graduate. Emily Louise Christ. I will be rushing out of work with all my might to be at ASU to see her cross that stage hopefully without tripping. It's always weird to see her full name written out or said out loud because she's not Emily; she's retard, whore, best friend, em, but mostly sister. She's been here for years. She's see my highs and lows and I've seen hers. She's always the first person I call when I'm hurting or the first place I stalk when I'm crying and can't breathe. We're practically twins. I swear we have the same brain, God just couldn't keep it confined to one body. It wouldn't be cool to deprive the world of that awesome-ness twice. We never fight, ever. Our regular conversations come off as fighting anyways. (You're such a fatass, slut.) We read each other's minds and we do a massive amount of stalking and J. Biebs blasting. Just a year ago, she was cheering for me as I walked across that stage.

So much has changed in both our lives. I went to college. She was a senior in high school. We both met new people, we let go of some old, we made mistakes, we did stupid things, but we never let go of ourselves and each other through it all. I can't even describe to you how wonderful my sister is and how blessed I am to have her as my other half. Our lives will be filled next steps and change, just like today is, but through every moment she'll be by my side. We'll be next to each other at the altar, holding each other's bouquets, calling each other a whore/bitch in the delivery room while having our babies, going to Disneyland on combined family vacays and one day being crazy old ladies who are super Botoxed and tanned and totally ridiculously dressed. Em, enjoy tomorrow because life goes by too fast. I'm so proud of you sissy. (Btw, don't make fun of me when I'm crying like a loser, even though you'll start crying too)

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

Thank goodness for relaxing weekends. Seriously. A three day weekend was just what the doctor ordered. I loved getting away if even for a couple days. The Villas were beautiful as expected and the bed was SO comfy. Sunday was spent poolside with my family and Trey, then we went out to dinner to celebrate my real estate license. Yesterday I slept in before we went to Einstein's then shopping at H&M aka my new favorite store. It's relatively inexpensive there, so it's so hard to go crazy and overspend and I did. It was worth it. I soaked up the sunshine with Kiara and Trey until the late afternoon. Kiara, the family, and I got dinner and headed back to Chandler. I'd say it was successful Memorial day weekend, even though the second I got home it felt like I started dealing with drama all over again.

One thing that will continue to baffle me is why it affects people when Trey and I tell each other we love you on facebook. I don't really understand why it's necessary to call me names and throw around a lot of fuck's and fucking's on my status when I'm not specifically TALKING TO YOU. Do you think you're really mature? Because you're not. You just look crazy, actually you are crazy. I am also flabbergasted that when I offer to be there for you and invite you to hang out with me and my friends when you're going through a hard time in your relationship, that you now totally flip out and start calling me about being annoying because Trey and I say I love you too much. Yeah, please tell me where that makes sense. You talk about people like Greg and Niko who hide behind computers to yell at people on Facebook, but you do the same thing, so that's really cool. I'm done dealing with people who make no difference in my relationship with Trey or my life in general. I have enough drama in my own little circle of friends anyway.

I wish I knew why every time any of us hang out or try to hang out, someone gets pissed off. This never happened all year and now everyday someone is frustrated at someone else. Myself included. Playing Volleyball was no exception last night. Most of us don't like volleyball, but we went anyway. It's not even necessary to go into detail because what happened doesn't even matter. I'm just over it. I'm over the let me be cool and talk crap to you because I can. That's not gonna fly anymore. It's easy to see the progression of the summer because I will not be spending every free moment of my life smoking hookah or playing BP, especially when doing either of those things will end up with me going home early upset. I hope to reading a lot in place of that because I'm over sitting around when I actually have a free moment to breath during a crazy busy week.

And in conjunction with a very appropriate quote: I gained relaxation, but lost my patience.

"My face is waiting to smile back with yours in so many photographs."

Peace out blog. Headed to the beautiful Villas at Western Kierland for the weekend with Trey and the family. Happy Memorial Day. :)

"Growing up won't bring us down."

It's been quite the unexpectedly lovely week, seriously. I've enjoyed it so much. I think it's because it's summer and I'm making money and my birthday is in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. On that note, I think I'll start my serendipity on one of the birthday presents I asked for.

1. Dell Inspiron Mini 10 Netbook: I know I'm gonna get a lot of crap for jumping the line between Apple and Windows, but it's necessary. I'm a diehard Apple girl too. In the wake of my real estate career I've found that many necessary applications and websites do not adapt to Safari or even Firefox, which gives me an excuse to get a new wonderful laptop. I came upon this one because it's teeny, cute, and purple. I know the functionality won't be the absolute best, but it's for limited on the go use for work. 

2. Theatricality: I never want Glee to feel overdone for my blog because I probably talk about it almost as most as I talk about my own friends, but I just love it that much! The past couple of weeks have truly been average at best. The music has been good, but the plot seems to be lacking in elements. This week from the first minutes with the Twilight bashing until the last five minutes with New Directions banning together to stand up for Kurt and Finn and everything in between was just wonderful. The music of Gaga and Kiss was as expected, WONDERFUL. The stories were great: Rachel and Shelby mother and daughter, Finn and his mom moving in with Kurt and his dad and the subsequent Burt freak out on Finn (fantastic), and my favorite: Quinn and Puck baby name dilemma (Jackie Daniels anyone?). I seriously started tearing up during "Beth." Overall, GREAT episode, definitely deserving of some serendipity.

3. Being in Real Estate: This is something I never believed I'd enjoy. I've been engrossed in the workaholic mentality of my dad and Angela for 10 years as they made a name for themselves in real estate. I was bitter against them for a long time because I felt like they worked too much and didn't care, but they reason they worked so much was to support us and now look where they are. They've just opened their second office with over 200 agents working for them. It's been so exciting to get leads and call people and send emails and just be so business-y. I've also enjoyed the perks of getting special treatment and seeing how proud they are of me, even if mom hates the whole thing. I'm loving it. 

4. Notebooks: It's no secret writers have their own preferred mediums of writing utensils and of places to write. I love notebooks. LOVE them. I can never finish one ever, but I will continue to buy them and make them my own. I figured with now having a career where organization is so important, I now have an excuse. So I bought neon index cards, a new yellow comp book (now covered in teal/gray ribbon stickers), and a new little gray yellow/white floral notebook. They of course serve different purposes but I love them. 

5. NEW OFFICE!: This is so exciting. My parents just opened their Walmart walk in office this week. It's amazing. They are renting space in the highest trafficked Walmart in the state and you'd be surprised how many people want to come talk about real estate in here. It's been awesome so far and the tv's and the constant interaction with people is so nice especially when it was so slow in their other office on the weekends, so now I get to spend my time here, getting to look at Trey all day when he's working too. :) What a job. 

I'm learning to savor my time not working because those moments have been few and far between. I've been doing a lot of planning. Birthday planning, room planning, life planning! It's my favorite. I'll be talking about these areas more this week when more solid ideas are formed and written in one of many notebooks. :) Have a wonderful weekend.

"Let love be your only debt."

Today was a beautiful beginning, unexpected and so perfect. It was day 1 as a realtor. SO cool and SO exciting. Even the paperwork and faxing and typing and reading, it was so exciting for me. Even though I am failing at my listing presentation tonight, I'm excited for all I'm going to do in this field. It was also the start of something new.

After a long discussion last night it was clear that Trey and I felt the complete same. A year ago, we didn't get our "new" relationship. We got someone to hold on to in times of extreme heartache and a safety in the storm. At the time, last summer, a lot was going on. We agreed that it was a mess. Both of us can't make out our summers, they're such a blur. We lost the new exciting relationship feeling before we even really felt it. It was SO hard to come to that conclusion, but it was so necessary to see it for ourselves. I wanted it. I wanted to feel something beautiful and different again. I suggested something of a list of how to make our relationship new. We collaborated on things we hoped and wanted for us. It's been back and forth from midnight until now. We created a solid list that I feel will change us.

Typically I would share it. I would copy and paste what we created right into this post, but it's for us. For Trey and I to revel in and to enjoy and grow from. I will share one of them, an ingenious rule Trey picked. "I want to kiss you like it's the first time and the last time every time." It seems small and insignificant, but boy it makes a difference. There's something so freeing about passion in its purest form: in a kiss between two lovers. I've never felt so connected with Trey, our bodies intertwined, time stopping, and no concern for anything around us. It changed everything between us, our whole manner was instantly improved. Saying goodbye was even harder, but it was okay because of what we had just shared. This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. ;)

On another note, Glee was amazing and my title quote was inspired by something said at church about running up your debt on love which is in the Bible. (Romans 13:8) What an amazing way to live life. I think I'll do it.

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it.It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. "

"Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright. The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same. Oh, don't you hesitate. Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song. You go ahead, let your hair down. Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams, Just go ahead, let your hair down. You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow."

I love waking up in the morning. It's summer and it's so new and wonderful. But there's so much that has stayed the same, Trey is the same today, he will be the same tomorrow, and he was the same yesterday, he's mine. I've been doing some heart evaluating. I've been questioning my place in this relationship. I love him, I've just been letting others' opinion of me and how I treat Trey really whisper in my ear. It's hard that I'm so strong willed. I'm not submissive at all because I've done that, I've let guys push me around and use me. I've been trying to not let my emotions get the best of me, where I don't blow up about little things, but it just does not work. I want to change, I've been trying to change. That's why I haven't been blogging. I've been trying to focus on opening up the sweet side, the more sensitive quiet side of me. Then I found this quote,

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 

Trey loves me. He tells me over and over. He calls me perfect, I disagree completely, and clearly many people agree, I am out of out of control and I am hard to handle, but this is love. All those people, those people who say I don't love him or don't show him love or whatever, couldn't even define love from a dictionary. Love isn't something that spreads across the board, not every love fits in the same little square box, sometimes it's a different shape and  it's definitely not one simple item, it's everything combined. It's the laughter, it's the compliments, the back scratches, the fights, the warm massages, the kisses, the slow dancing in the kitchen, car rides, inside jokes, the tears, hopes, and dreams. It's everything in a blender mixed with time and patience between two people. Trey, you're it for me. I can't say it enough. I took a risk after being hurt and I couldn't imagine my life without it. Love isn't for the weak of heart or mind, it takes a lot out of you some days, but on the other days it gives it all back and more. I'm so happy to share myself with him, today I passed my real estate test and I screamed over and over in the car with him and he kissed me and he was truly proud of me and it felt so much better than getting my real estate license in general because he shared it with me. It was another one of those many moments we spent together reveling in excitement that we'll get share for the rest of our lives. So go ahead and tell me I don't love him or I treat him bad, but I can guarantee if you knew love, you'd see us as a representation of that. We were made to find to each other and to save each other from our places in life where we were lost. 

Team Trelle!

P.S. I'm quite aware that this post is POLAR opposite of the last post, it's supposed to be. We've figured stuff out. We have and I'm so happy about it. 

“We were complete opposites and it worked. And something happened between us that was not part of the plan: We were in love.”

I feel like second best. I get your attention in the mornings when you're half asleep, barely coherent. But after work when you're ready to rock all night, I hardly hear from you. I saw you for a half hour on Wednesday night and five minutes on Tuesday night. You're always with your friends. It's gonna come across unfair to readers, unfair that I can say you're always with your friends. We do both need our time apart, I understand that completely,  but where's our time together? The time we used to spend just cuddling and laying together a night. Even yesterday when we literally talked for like a few minutes was cut short. I won't lie, I was disappointed, but it didn't seem to phase you because you had such an effing good win night. I didn't. I went to bed early, upset.

I think it's easier for me to say I don't want to go smoke hookah or hang out with the guys because I just want a little time with you. I don't want to come across selfish. I just don't wanna compete for time with you. I don't think you realize it. I try not to come across pathetic or mean, so I tell you to have a good time, but I secretly wish we were having a good time together. Apparently even when I'm actually being serious, telling you to have a good time, I come across as a bitch and everyone subsequently becomes aware of it,  I don't know how we ever hope to mend the holes in our relationship when new ones are being created all the time. Holes that are unnecessary, things we never struggled with before.

So here's my heart. I poured it out unafraid of a quick reaction because this is my security. This blog is easier to vent to then anybody else, even you sometimes and that's hard. I love you so much. I just feel like I'm losing you to summer and I hate it.

"Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.” - Andre Mauroi

“I want to do so many things - and maybe someday a lot of it will be impossible, but right now I don’t see the impossible.”

There's something so calming about shopping. Literally I could do it all day, if I had the money. Yesterday and today I shopped more than I should have honestly. But it made me feel less stressed and worry free. Yesterday I went to Styles for Less. One of my very favorite stores because it's so close to the office, so I can pop by really quick. I love looking through the racks for something perfect and inexpensive. I bought one black floral block dress (LOVE), two solid tanks, a purple bandeau, and a mini striped crop top for when I get more fit during the summer.

Today I went to pick up a real estate test study book guaranteeing a pass on the first try. I wonder if that still applies to the second try...so far the "tips for preparation" are ridiculous. Always take the test when you're in TIP TOP mental and PHYSICAL shape. (okay...) Pick out your clothes the night before. (Hello first day of school.)  Visualize yourself showing homes to a client in two days. (This book is CRAZY.) Yes, I paid $34 dollars for this. I'm hoping at least the practice tests will help. I also bought new Bare Minerals foundation and a dress for Em and James' graduations. But the highlight was just walking around with Alex. He always has a way of calming me down and keeping my mind off lame crap. He lets me just talk and I like that. 

I'm keeping a positive attitude. I signed up for both tests to happen on Monday. I will pass them. I may not have a life this weekend, but I'm going to pass these. I sat in a class today at work by who my dad calls the real estate queen of Arizona about foreclosures and the opportunity realtors have and it really excited me. I think I need to go back to taking this first practice test. I can do this. I can do this. Fingers crossed for me kids. 

"I dreamed a dream in time gone by when hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die.

I've been inspired by yesterday's Glee, it was about dreams. I have SO many dreams. SO many more than one post can even hold. I frequently go to a quiet place in my mind and I try to imagine what God has in store for my life. I want so many things, little things and big things alike. I want to be a fashion designer married to a wonderfully kind police offer living somewhere where their fantastic accents can rub off on me in either a cute little apartment or a big ranch. If it's the latter, I want horses, beautiful chocolate brown ones and pygmy goats, and our little brunette kids playing tag in the wildflowers or pushing each other on a tire swing hanging from the big tree in our front yard. I understand I'm the only one that thinks this way. I'm ridiculous, but I love it and it makes me smile big and wide.

I also dream of my wedding, the moment I can kiss Trey for the first time as my husband. I want so much in my life. I dream of success and love. Success isn't having an extravagant amount of money or fame for me, it's sitting at the end of the end day, satisfied with everything and feeling so extremely blessed. I won't settle. Right now, I dream of making it to fashion school with the relationship with my mother in tact. It's far fetched. I've been listening to Artie's version of "Dream a Little Dream of Me," for about twenty minutes on repeat and tears have just been streaming. "Stars shining bright above you...birds singing in the Sycamore trees, dream a little dream of me." I know I'm destined for big things. I think I know that because I completely surround myself with people who think the same, very passionate dreamers, the most encouraging people I've ever been friends with. I love you guys.

So dreams, they're awesome. They give a person something to strive for. Something so wonderful and beautiful and real.

"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside, the one thing that you know if it came true, all the hurt would go away."

Btw. sorry my blogs suck so bad lately. ha. I bet you dream that would stop. Yeah, me too.

"Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind."

Disappointment makes me sick. I haven't been blogging. I know. I've been mega stressing and just trying to relax, but maybe I should have been blogging to calm down. I failed both parts of my state real estate test: once on Saturday afternoon, the other today. I got lectured by my wonderful parents pretty much about how stupid I am because even my dad passed on the first try and what I can do to be more prepared (I STUDY EVERYDAY!!). Blah, I just get all worked up and I over think and re think everything on the test. It was hard, but I know this stuff like the back of my hand. I just needed to get that out. I don't really wanna talk about it anymore. It's ugh. I'm QUITE over it.

So now onto happier subjects: GLEE CONCERT. It was surreal. It was wonderful. It was everything I hoped for and more. Our seats were really good for only 40 bucks and getting them the day before. We didn't use binoculars and I was able to take pictures which was fabulous. Hearing these songs live was so cool, they're really really talented. Hearing Lea Michele was so crazy. During "Defying Gravity" and "Like a Prayer," I got serious chills. The whole thing can't even really be put into words. Just being in the same room was so awesome. It's nothing like watching on TV or blasting in my car, and hearing the songs in those ways will never measure up to hearing them live. I enjoyed getting all fan girl-ish and screaming a lot especially for Puck (Mark Sailing) even though I didn't get to grab his butt like I wanted. But overall, one of the best nights.

("Somebody to Love")

I'm really beginning to love summer. Okay, I've always loved it, but last night was a wonderful start with the whole gang home and reunited. We gathered at my newly clean house. (YES!! It's actually livable again) We started on our fort, it was kind of a fail, even though we were able to sit in it, it was REALLLLY hot. Oh my word. I looked around and realized how different we all are, but how we fit so well. We're such a bunch. A bunch of what, I have no clue..we're just different, but I love it. Once, I upload the pictures, I'll post some, once again like I said my camera is retarded and now my USB is M.I.A. this is my life. :) 

Trey bought me the most wonderful anniversary present. It's this gorgeous necklace. A definite new staple in my wardrobe. I adore it. :)  I can't get a good picture of me with it on because Trey's photobooth isn't as good as mine ;), sorry babes.  It's a white puffy heart with a ring and a a flower. But here's a picture from Nordstrom.com:

Today was kinda sucky, kinda not. Trey and I voted for the first time today, even though the guy called me a problem child for going to the wrong polling location. Whatevs.  I'm ready for GleeTuesday! It's "Dream On" tonight and it's also my high school choir teacher's retirement concert. It's just really hard for me to miss Glee. I'm considerate, I know. Well I'll leave you with a picture I found on Trizzle's (Trey) Macbook:

<3

No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.”

Sometimes throughout the week, I get incredibly excited about things and then I get even more excited to talk about them on Serendipitous Saturdays!! Today I have a few great things to talk about.

1. Fit in Your Jeans By Friday - Okay, so who doesn't want to look like Kim Kardashian? Seriously. I heard about her workout DVD's a few months ago maybe. I was pretty skeptical, like yeah every famous person can put their face on some random workout, but I read some good reviews, so I bought the first one on SALE from Walmart ($10)! I did it on Thursday morning. There's two really quick lower body workouts, 15 minutes each. I did the first workout and a little bit of the second. I was dying by the end. It was so intense. I thought that was bad, no. I woke up Friday morning and this morning, STILL cannot walk or sit down without making a face of pure quad soreness. Seriously, it's amazing. It makes you feel so good.

(I couldn't get a good picture)

2. Curling my Hair like Keiko Lynn - My hair is very unpredictable. It never does what I want and when it does, it never stays that way, no matter how much hairspray I put in it. It's annoying. I saw that Keiko Lynn, this adorable fashion designer, did a tutorial about how she curls her hair typically. She puts the curling iron downwards and wraps her hair around it. It was a miracle that my hair cooperated and looked SO cute. Seriously. I loved it and it's so fast and easy and it STAYED. Want to check it out: click here!

3. The Magic of Coffee: Exfoliator - I'm always looking for new stuff to try on my face. Ask Trey, seriously I would NOT want to know how much I spend in a month on face products. But I love finding something natural and free/cheap that works. I found coffee yesterday.  My face is super sensitive, so exfoliators usually are too harsh for me, but I found coffee grounds (whatever you put in the coffee pot to make the coffee) to be so perfect. Coffee is a natural anti-bacterial, which is really cool. They weren't too rough on my skin especially when mixed with some milk (lactic acid removes dead skin cells).  I enjoyed it before I cleansed.

(No, it's cool I just look like death.)

4. The Magic of Coffee: Energy - I used to drink a LOT of coffee, but now not so much because quite frankly I'm broke and I prefer Starbucks French Vanilla Lattes. The only thing I like coffee wise besides those, is Coffeemate. I don't know what it is, creamer, flavoring, something. I have no idea, but I pour a ton into my dad's coffee and I adore it. I didn't sleep at all last night. Thank you Cooper. He made me coffee this morning and voila I am awake and ready for my test today and for Number 5 on my list.

(weheartit.com)

5. GLEE LIVE! - Yesterday, my mom found tickets on Stubhub.com. I went over to Alex's to talk to Mama J. We were worried about getting scammed for tickets, but after a lot of convincing, she bought them. The tickets were cheap and up in the 300's, but WHO CARES!? It's Glee LIVE in person, like IN the SAME ROOM AS ME, that's so much better then them in my living room on Tuesday nights. Clearly, I'm excited for tonight. 8 pm at the Dodge Theater with Broface, Mama J, and Mama L (Lisa, Sam's momma). I'm kinda sad the whole gang isn't going. I wish Trey wasn't working, but we'll soak it up for them.

I'm adding a new aspect of Serendipitous Saturdays: favorite pictures from the week:

Have a good Saturday lovers. 

"This world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby."

One year. 525,600 minutes. 365 Days (360, in a statutory year). 52 weeks. 12 months. Two people. Danielle Nicole and Edward John. Today. Last year I was sure, and now one year later, I am even more sure. This is real.

Trey and I laid face to face on my bed and he looked into my eyes and asked me to be his girlfriend. I was elated and from that moment on, he's stood by me. I won't say this entry won't be cheesy because chances are if you're not Trey, it will be because you read about our love enough, but I'll never get sick of talking about it and I can guarantee he won't ever get sick of hearing it.

I think it's when he looks into my eyes and he knows everything I'm thinking. He reads me. It's also when grabs my hand in the truck when he's driving just to make sure I'm there. And when comes up behind me when I'm running away and throws me over his shoulder and I scream put me down, but I secretly want to stay that way forever. We have a childlike energy. I love when we call each other silly nicknames, they're endless: doodle bug, partners in crime, trex, hundred grand, almond joy, and of course bear and bunny, the best.

You've made me a different person. You've made me realize so much about life. It's so finite, why waste a day being upset and doing stuff you don't want to, when you can be eating donuts and watching say yes to the dress all day. You've given me the confidence and the push to do what I want even when I spent numerous nights bouncing career ideas off you. I've always admired your sureness in being a police officer.

This post is all over the place, much like our relationship. It's never been the same. We have something so special, something I believe that rubs off on others. I never once thought you didn't care or didn't love me enough. You've always given me more than I believe I deserve. I was so broken when I met you, so lost in something that wasn't right. You showed me that maybe I do deserve better than second best, that I am worth caring about, that I am someone's other half. I never thought I'd find someone who loves country music, I always said when I did, I knew they'd be the one. There's a song you put on the CD you made me called, "She's Everything." I always wanted to be someone's everything, where that song could be described about me. Thank you for letting me be that girl, thank you for accepting me even for my little quirks, thank you for liking my obsessions and my projects and my crazy ideas and especially my creeping, thank you for being mine.

I love you.

On May 14th, I posted this quote: "Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."

I was scared to risk my heart. I didn't know where we'd end up a few weeks later, let alone a year. Life tried to break me and swallow me up, it did before you came around, but I made some choices and realized some things and it was worth it. Trey, you were SO worth it. Everything we've struggled through, the tears we've cried, the nights we've stayed up way too late, the goodbyes that took too long, the memories that hurt so bad, they were all worth it. We're here now. One year later, stronger and even more in love than I could have ever dreamed. You still make me melt when you look at me or you kiss me and it gives me crazy butterflies just like the first time. Dear Trey, this year with you was more than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you for showing me what real love is because it's incredible. Always and forever, Elle.

"Say what you want about me."

Yesterday I was shaken to my core. I had a good morning spent sitting next to my boo. I love those mornings. Class was good. I felt inspired and ready to take real estate head on.  Trey and I left to get food, we were hungry. It's typical. I called my mom after getting our McDonald's. She told me soon I would turn into a McDonald, so I asked her what that exactly was and she said a huge fat person and how I should probably cut back on food in general because I was gaining weight and nearing the point of being "fat." I walked inside with Trey and my chicken nuggets and fries sat in front of me as I lay on the couch in tears.

I have struggled with my body image since middle school. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. I don't talk about it except for the occasional I feel fat or my ass is huge. That's every girl though. Those who are EXTREMELY close to me know I really feel, there have been about three people who I've felt comfortable enough with. No matter what, I've never felt beautiful or skinny despite anything anyone has told me. But nobody besides a few anonymous formspringers have said I was fat or "gaining a lot of weight" until yesterday when it came from my parents and one of my best friends. I've probably never cried so much in my life. Trey is a witness to that. I sobbed into his pillow and his chest. I didn't even know what to think because I couldn't think. My head hurt so bad and I just didn't want to move. I didn't eat the chicken nuggets or the fries or drink the Coke. I went home and couldn't stop thinking about it. I went to my second round of real estate tests at 5 and I passed the first test and failed the second by one question, all of the ones I had missed I changed because I thought I was wrong. All day was spent thinking I was wrong. I had to be wrong. I stood in the mirror numerous times more than usual even for me, I can clearly see my collar bone and my ribs show through defined on my stomach, but I was being called fat. I don't wear an extra small anymore or a 0. I just hadn't ever heard someone say it, I was gaining weight. I am. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I've been pretty small my whole life, 5'3". But now I have curves and hips and an ass. I never thought it would be a bad thing. But now apparently it is.  I have to stop picking apart things on my body that I don't like because I will literally be doing it for days.

I shouldn't let it get to me. What other people think. I mean does it really matter. One person in particular. The one person who has supported me, believed in me, pushed me, and told me I was beautiful everyday even before we were together is my hero. Trey, you are the most beautiful person I've ever met. People say things to you and about you all the time, even your mom and you are strong and you never let it get to you, you laugh it off. I wish I could. I love your confidence and the way your energy for life rubs off on everyone. And you never let me forget how you feel about me. I laid in bed and I opened up my saved messages and I found this one, "You are more than pretty. You are beyond gorgeous, every move you make makes my heart leap. You have the eyes of an angel. The smile of perfection and the body of a goddess." I wish I could feel that way about myself and see myself how Trey sees me everyday with eyes that are continuously awestruck when he sees me. I never want my children to be told they are overweight or aren't beautiful because they are and so am I.

Dear Self, you're not a size 0 and you don't weigh 100 lbs, but I like you better this way. You're a real person. Maybe you need to lose some weight, but you probably don't. Being healthy and happy and loved, isn't that what counts. Be confident and comfortable in your skin. You're curvy and proportionate and wonderful and Trey sees that. He sees that you're beautiful because you are. Tell yourself a million times a day because you shouldn't let anybody rain on your parade. You're beautiful and you're not fat. Not even a little bit.