Yesterday I was shaken to my core. I had a good morning spent sitting next to my boo. I love those mornings. Class was good. I felt inspired and ready to take real estate head on. Trey and I left to get food, we were hungry. It's typical. I called my mom after getting our McDonald's. She told me soon I would turn into a McDonald, so I asked her what that exactly was and she said a huge fat person and how I should probably cut back on food in general because I was gaining weight and nearing the point of being "fat." I walked inside with Trey and my chicken nuggets and fries sat in front of me as I lay on the couch in tears.
I have struggled with my body image since middle school. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. I don't talk about it except for the occasional I feel fat or my ass is huge. That's every girl though. Those who are EXTREMELY close to me know I really feel, there have been about three people who I've felt comfortable enough with. No matter what, I've never felt beautiful or skinny despite anything anyone has told me. But nobody besides a few anonymous formspringers have said I was fat or "gaining a lot of weight" until yesterday when it came from my parents and one of my best friends. I've probably never cried so much in my life. Trey is a witness to that. I sobbed into his pillow and his chest. I didn't even know what to think because I couldn't think. My head hurt so bad and I just didn't want to move. I didn't eat the chicken nuggets or the fries or drink the Coke. I went home and couldn't stop thinking about it. I went to my second round of real estate tests at 5 and I passed the first test and failed the second by one question, all of the ones I had missed I changed because I thought I was wrong. All day was spent thinking I was wrong. I had to be wrong. I stood in the mirror numerous times more than usual even for me, I can clearly see my collar bone and my ribs show through defined on my stomach, but I was being called fat. I don't wear an extra small anymore or a 0. I just hadn't ever heard someone say it, I was gaining weight. I am. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I've been pretty small my whole life, 5'3". But now I have curves and hips and an ass. I never thought it would be a bad thing. But now apparently it is. I have to stop picking apart things on my body that I don't like because I will literally be doing it for days.
I shouldn't let it get to me. What other people think. I mean does it really matter. One person in particular. The one person who has supported me, believed in me, pushed me, and told me I was beautiful everyday even before we were together is my hero. Trey, you are the most beautiful person I've ever met. People say things to you and about you all the time, even your mom and you are strong and you never let it get to you, you laugh it off. I wish I could. I love your confidence and the way your energy for life rubs off on everyone. And you never let me forget how you feel about me. I laid in bed and I opened up my saved messages and I found this one, "You are more than pretty. You are beyond gorgeous, every move you make makes my heart leap. You have the eyes of an angel. The smile of perfection and the body of a goddess." I wish I could feel that way about myself and see myself how Trey sees me everyday with eyes that are continuously awestruck when he sees me. I never want my children to be told they are overweight or aren't beautiful because they are and so am I.
Dear Self, you're not a size 0 and you don't weigh 100 lbs, but I like you better this way. You're a real person. Maybe you need to lose some weight, but you probably don't. Being healthy and happy and loved, isn't that what counts. Be confident and comfortable in your skin. You're curvy and proportionate and wonderful and Trey sees that. He sees that you're beautiful because you are. Tell yourself a million times a day because you shouldn't let anybody rain on your parade. You're beautiful and you're not fat. Not even a little bit.
1 comment:
just because you arent a size 0 or 100 pounds does not mean you are over weight. it isnt even close. we're at that age where we're getting hips and curves and we arent the same size or shape we were when we were 14. but we shouldnt want to be, this means we're grown women. and personally, i think that in itself is much better, regardless of what anyone else says.
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