I've been trying to count how long it's been since we started the journey that changed me forever. 4 years ago, today. We were just kids, naive and willing and now 4 years later, it's over, it's been over. I don't feel this post is obligatory because I could very well pass over this day and keep my feelings to myself, but I'm me and I need to let these out because they hurt. We started on 3-21-06, the first day of Spring. We vowed our forever love and made rules and plans and promises. We had a perfect summer together. We saw movies almost every week. We had all kinds of firsts. You were my first kiss, on the side of your house after a game of truth or dare on your birthday. We also began to write, which might have been our first downfall. That notebook started fights and created expectations and was one of the first things that was discussed after the breakup, and I still don't know where it is now. I have copies of the most memorable pages.
Our road was bumpy and curvy with hills and valleys. We had a lot of fights and unkind words said while we were together and especially afterwards. We broke up three times. Twice because I was an idiot and thought I could find something better, but it ended up failing and I lost you in the process. We also had a lot of good times. I still haven't stayed on the phone with anyone as long I have that first summer: 9 hours or something to watch the sunrise. You were my date to winter formal sophomore year, homecoming junior year, MORP junior year, junior prom, and senior homecoming. We had our pretend children: our stuffed animals and who could forget Baby Casey, our tamagotchi. You wrote songs about me, and I wrote blog posts about you and clearly still do. I had all my firsts with you and you knew everything about me. You also exposed me to music I cherish even now: The Beatles and Bruce Springsteen.
We had what I believed would last forever, but one October day, it didn't. We walked to the park near my house and I don't think I said any words, just sobbing and shaking my head. You blamed the fall and I didn't know what to blame. I compared every guy to you after. You left this standard of love because you were my first love and I felt like every guy had to measure up. I fell into a whirlwind of random guys who all weren't worth it and you made fun of me, but in the back of my mind I knew you'd come back. You did, but it was never at the right time afterwards. I would give up anything for you and I did. But in the end you never fully committed to me and I thought I wasn't good enough for so long, but that wasn't it. It never was. It was our love story.
Some love stories are short stories, but they are love stories just the same. Most of my high school memories will be from Casey. He taught me about love and about life and about moving on. A part of my heart will always belong to him and I believe that is vice versa as well. There's something to be said about first love. It has no expectations or comparisons, it's real and passionate, and when it's gone it hurts really bad for a long time, but it teaches you so much about yourself. Casey helped me find myself and I gave him inspiration for some really amazing songs. So 4 years ago it was the beginning and now 4 years later, we're leading separate lives with separate people and separate dreams. But I think we changed each other for life.
"There’s always that one person that makes you change yourself. That person that you hate, but will never really stop loving. It ended bad but the good memories never leave, thus they always haunt you.
You’re that better person now, but they won’t be getting any thanks.
There’s nothing more secret to your heart than that."
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