I look back on where I was a year ago. I was confused. I was unsure. I had no idea what I wanted or who I wanted. I wasted so much time waiting and hoping and wishing and praying for you because you were all I wanted for Christmas. This year I'm also spending time waiting and hoping and wishing and praying. It's different, but strangely the same. It seems like October's always mess with me, that's when things always fall apart and I seem to spend the rest of the year moving on from it, deciding that I will learn and grow.
I don't know if I'm in the same place emotionally that I was last December, I know my hair is physically, which sucks. I'm sitting on my bed looking around my tornado mess of a room and there's pictures everywhere as if nothing has changed since then. I can't bear to take the pictures down, take the collage off the wall, the beach and prom pictures out of my frames. If this doesn't prove I'm afraid of change, I don't know what does. We look so happy. I don't even know what changed. The last text I ever received from you was on October 17th. Then we just stopped talking. It's been two months. I've needed you more than ever in those two months and I couldn't bring myself to text you. I told you everything, you told me everything. We were so close and now we're strangers. I know Trey is trying to fix things, but in the end we're both the same, we don't know what happened, we're both stubborn, and we both don't even know where to start. We had one of those special bonds, we thought the same things at the same time, we talked all the time, and we were attached at the hip. Everything changed when I started school. We both felt like we were being replaced by a new life and there was no place for us in it. It scared us, but knowing from being apart this long you could be in Africa and we'd still be just as close. I miss everything: our constant eating at Pei Wei and Chipotle, our phone calls whenever we were upset, excited, or just driving and being bored, the stupid pictures we'd take everywhere, our adventures in the strangest places, creeping on Elliot Barkan, creeping on everyone, annoying Mama, the Hangover quote texts, texts from last night that described us, and just having someone who understood you better than anyone, that's what I miss the most.
I think after this post, I'm done talking about it because most often it brings me to tears. It just hurts. I love you and I'll always be here for you.
"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along." - Bride Wars
I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where I'll be next December, hopefully waiting for you to come home, after a long semester of barely seeing each other, but talking all the time. That's what I hope and wish and pray for. That's what I want for Christmas, but I think it's out of reach and I'll have to accept that.
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