“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”

As scary as it is I think I'm ready for something new. I burst into tears at dinner Sunday night when they asked about her and the status of our friendship. I didn't know what to say. I've been diving into job searching and getting excited for college and just being with Trey. God gave me some great great people around me to love in my life like my cousin. My 20 year old cousin diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's cancer. It's scary. I'm so scared. My cousins and I still have sleepovers. We talk, we laugh, and we're extremely close. This is like more than I can even handle right now. I'm just feeling blessed for every single day I have these people in my life.

I keep thinking about how badly I wish I knew french. It's so beautiful to hear people speak and it would be so amazing to be able to express more to Trey in another language another than lame English. (Maybe I love the berets too and the whole idea of french kissing in FRANCE!!) I guess I keep thinking when you say words in another language they aren't lost as quickly and they aren't over said. There's probably just the same phrases and words in other languages just like ours that are over used, they just sound prettier in my opinion.

I've also noticed how people lie to themselves and to others so often. I do it. Just as much. Too much. People tell me one thing. Do another. Say another. It's just a vicious thing we get ourselves into. Why can't we just scream the honest truth? The truth really does set us free. I think we're all just scared of the real consensquences for how we really feel. We all want to please someone, mostly for instant gratification because in the long run, that's not really what we wanted at all. I'm so glad it's not like that with Trey. I'm so elated I've matured into a stronger, more real relationship :)

On One Tree Hill today, Brooke told Rachel that people don't change. They're the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Mouth then said yes people don't change, but they can. I think I want to change. I do. I'm cutting my hair like I seem to regret every time. I'm trying to fall back into God, into my first true love. Something about Trey calling me Elle fits like it makes more sense now like for once I have a nickname that I love. On a weird note, I can't believe I'd be going back to school in two weeks, I wonder if it felt like my summer was gone in a blink every other year. Maybe it was the monotony and the events of this summer that made my mind make it seem quicker and more harsh.

Yes, this whole post has been a little crazy and random, but that's me. I've been so stuck in finding a topic to blog about to reach people. I've been avoiding the person I really am. I don't have one thing in my head at once. It's a bunch of thoughts bouncing around somehow coming together to form the person I am.