After giving up complaining for lent, I'm trying to use this blog for a more venting type thing. I have so much on mind that I feel like this is my only outlet to freely express how I feel and what I'm thinking about right now. As of right now, I'm sure of very few things in my life. The conference sparked the change, but I think I've felt this way for a long time. There's so much I feel like I need to let go of as baggage and to make me grow as a person.
Lately, I've felt like God is pulling me in a new direction in life and honestly I've never felt so drawn to something like I have in the past few days. It feels weird to be blogging about it prior to discussing with my parents the things I would like to do. I've been reading this incredible book called, "Love Revolution" by Joyce Meyer. It has truly opened my eyes to so much that I was so unaware of around the world. One of those issues is human trafficking or sexual slavery. My heart quickly broke for these young girls and women around the world being sold into sexual bondage. Deep down inside of my heart, God created this urge inside of me, an urge for me to do something about it. Immediately I wondered how impossible it would be to go to the heart of this issue in a third world country and currently it is an unattainable goal, but I began to research other oppurtunities to reach out to the world around me, the world that I was blissfully unaware of as I was dealing with my "crisies" of not having enough money for Chipotle or not being allowed out one weekend. Crisis could not even begin to explain the need for those around the world. I spent most of Saturday looking at different missions and volunteer oppurtunities around the world, but soon it seemed like any of that right now was not in the cards, so I looked into a place called the Dream Center in LA, where I could intern for 6 months or 1 year and then sometime down the road, travel. It of course costs money, money that right now isn't available because of school, my car, eating, and shopping. It makes it so much harder to grasp that my dream isn't an option at the moment. I've never been so sure of what I've wanted to do up until now. I know I wanted to help people throughout my many career goal switches, but now I know what it feels like to really want something in life. I've been praying and I don't know if this is the best route, but it feels like taking a year off is the best decision, even if I can't go to LA next semester, I want to work more, so my goals will be closer to my reach. I don't know how my parents are going to take this possibility. They haven't always been keen on agreeing with what I want, especially if what I really want is something so ridiculous as dropping out right after Spring Break.
I feel like even before I'm able to raise the money, I will need to grow stronger as a person because right now every criticism and negative thing said to me or about me practically brings me to tears and I have to realize that I will be placed in situations where people will be critical of me and what I believe in all the time which will be much harder than someone saying I look like I've put on more weight. I think I'm also scared that people will judge me for my decision to drop out and follow this farfetched passion because I think God told me too. I know I sound totally ridiculous, but if you read this blog enough or know me, you know I'm not spontaneous and I don't make decisions rashly unless I'm really sure. As of right now, I'm not 150% sure and I definitely want to be, so I'll keep hoping and praying.
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. - Psalm 28: 7-9
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