Today I realized I enjoy writing in notebooks for more than the obvious reason: to vent. I realized I write every feeling I have in countless notebooks because I secretly hope one day my parents, those boys, someone will really see me. The all of me I keep oh so hidden beneath hurting words and tear stains on pages. It's sad because nobody, but God knows all of me. I try as hard as possible to spill my heart every once and awhile, get a good cry, but I cannot get all of the hurt out except through prayer.
I would even be satisfied if after I died someone would search my room or closet or under my bed and find these notebooks and read every uncensored thought I recorded. I'm hoping I get my wish some day. I would even be happy if my mom went in my room, snooped around, and found it because her and dad will never fully comprehend how much in my short life they have hurt me.
You would think I would try to avoid people finding them, but I want someone to find them and then embrace me because they've seen the inner most workings of my soul.
2 comments:
wow. i'm shocked at how basically you just wrote everything i feel. i write allllll the time, and its me. the real me. the me without barriers. and its something i wish people could see, but i don't know how to show it. so i write it. i've recently started writing lyrics, you'll see them on here, i'm sure.
but just wow.
this is me as much as it is you now. thats crazy.
I know I saw your lyrics right after I wrote this and I was like wow. I took creative writing and we had to write pieces to read out loud and that really wasn't what I needed. Those people didn't know me, so they didn't understand why I wrote the way I did. If I didn't have God to truly get me, I don't know what I would do.
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