autumn.

Fall is really a season of change, even if here in Arizona we don't see it. The leaves change colors and fall, nature prepares for the cold, and according to Wikipedia (i know, great source), autumn is the transition from summer to winter and skies turn grey, and people turn inward, both physically and mentally. I've learned this to be true this year more than any other.

It has been 3 days since he broke things off with me. After 2 and a half years, we're over. This time it's permanent. This has been the most difficult situation God has ever presented me with and trust me He's thrown me some ringers. I knew this would be an opportunity to grow of course, but I was scared, I am scared. I haven't been single since freshman year, I don't know how to be single, I don't want to actually have to try and look cute everyday, I don't know what to do with my life, I don't want to be alone and I'm scared of trusting anyone. I trusted him with everything I had. I trusted him more than anyone to not hurt me, to not break my heart.

I'm honestly still in a daze. It's so weird to say ex-boyfriend because I still look into his brown eyes that make me melt and I'm still in love with him. As hard as it is to say it, but I know this is a season of change in my life. For the past 2 years we were in sync, we clicked, but of course we grew up, grew apart, and changed. It's so hard. But our season of love has passed. I have to move on even though I built my life around him and our dreams and plans and hopes. I now have to make new hopes and dreams, but no plans. God is the only one with the plan for my life.

I'm going to be okay. Certainly not tonight, not tomorrow, maybe not next week or the week after, but I will be okay eventually. I'm going to end with a quote because I really don't know how to end this post with my words alone. But first, Casey Reed, if you're reading this, thank you for the time of my life, you've given me so much, more than I could have ever hoped for. You will always be my first love and always my best friend. You're an amazing, talented, intelligent, and beautiful human. I hope one day everything will be right between us. I'll always smile at you because you made me the woman I am today and for that, I am forever grateful. I love you.

My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah