Goodbye, love.

Dear Readers,
It is time to say farewell to always, elle. This blog has seen more than it's fair share of drama and hurt, but also happiness too. I've reached a point where this blog has become a melodramatic bitching fest. It's no longer helping me grow as a person and I believe that's the place I've always wanted it to be. I've seen a lot and wrote a lot and shared a lot with this place, it's another home to me because I've always felt I could share almost anything. I may be leaving always, elle, but I am not leaving the blogging world. I find blogging too therapeutic and comforting to ever leave. A new blog is currently in the works, it's a work in progress, so follow me on twitter to get the latest updates: http://www.twitter.com/daniellefaz.  I will not be posting the link here, mostly because it will only fuel my next blog to start down the same path that this one ended on. I'm very excited for a new place to call my own.

Thank you all for reading. I've always been so ecstatic to see all these people strangers and friends reading what I had to say. It's absolutely incredible.

Always, Elle

"Happiness is only real when shared."

Yeah, that last post was too depressing for me because my life is still really good right now. It's summer and I'm having fun. I went to midnight Eclipse last night. It was amazing and I was surprised because I disliked the first two movies despite my love of the books. Kiara and I had a blast. I'm gonna miss her when she leaves this weekend for a month to go home. I've also gotten some much needed family bonding time. I love them, they're some of the coolest people ever. Fourth of July is this weekend, it's my fave. I'm excited because it's also my Pop's 70th birthday, so we're having a surprise dinner with him and I just love being with my whole family at once, literally it makes my life.

I'm basically just lounging tonight, watching moms obssessed with little girls in pageants on Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC, listening to the Eclipse soundtrack (which is honestly amazing), and reading a few new book purchases on Charlotte, my Nook. Let me leave you with some love from the past week in pictures.

always, elle

"Everybody loves a winner, so nobody loved me."

I know who reads this. I know who talks shit about me. I know who doesn't approve of Trey and I together. I know more than you think I do. You can't hide. It hurts me to say this, but it's clear to me, you really don't care about me. I've come to accept it even when I've given SO much of myself. I'm not in a bad relationship, Trey and I aren't broken. You don't like him. I get it. I can't change how you feel because you think I'm too pretty for him. I know the real reason and I think that kills me the most. Some of you don't even know him and the reason I know you don't know him is because you don't like him. Trey has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever met. He doesn't judge or put down. He builds people up more than I can even express. He's a selfless, funny, beautiful person. Ask anyone.

I didn't publicly put it out there for the world for once, but him and I weren't doing well. We were considering a break. I heard a lot of valuable opinions, opinions of people who do matter a lot to me, but when it came down to it, it was Trey and I in this relationship. We were the only ones who really knew and understood. I did go to others for advice because I valued their opinions. I thought they had my best interest at heart. That Sunday night, Trey was able to get out and come to church from me and God spoke to both us, stronger than I've ever felt in my life. He changed us. We weren't healed or completely fixed, but we were set on the right path. It made me sure of him, of our future. I felt such overwhelming relief. It was incredible. I wanted to feel happiness from you, I came home instead to a message detailing everything. I cried hysterically. For longer than I can even explain. You lived a lie to protect me. Even now, I don't understand.

I didn't choose Trey over you. I never did. You chose to not have me because of Trey. I was willing, SO willing to want you in my life, but it was clear the feeling wasn't mutual. I miss you so much. I still see you. Your stuff is all over my life reminding me that you're not here. I hear songs that remind us of our best memories and some of our hardest that we got through together. I have your clothes and the birthday/grad present that will always be a work in progress and the tears that stained it. We're almost strangers and it hurts SO bad, like it gives me a knot in my stomach that won't go away. You claimed these friendships you had built up when I wasn't around were never worth it, why'd you run back so quickly? I feel like you didn't even try and it absolutely kills me inside. Ask anyone, seriously. You've always put me first, and I've always done the same for you. I've supported you always. I trusted you and your choices. I need you to trust me now because you love me. I know it doesn't matter. What I say here, doesn't matter because I don't matter anymore and I wish I wasn't right.

"You cannot worry about the past or future. Happiness is in the now. "

"When you get bit by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison, that's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life."

I feel ridiculous for equating my life to a Mean Girls, but it's so true. Over the past week I've seen how negative and truly poisoness my life has become. My days are filled with negativity, bad moods, complaining, and drama. It makes the day go by longer, and the weeks drag on. The realization of this came a couple of days ago. I stepped back and took a long, hard look at my life and the way I've been living and saw so many things I didn't like. The mistakes I made, the way I've treated people, the way I've allowed people to treat me, the situations I've fallen into, and my attitude about it all. It's all very difficult to grasp. I think this was the first step to change though. I saw how my life was and decided I didn't want it anymore. So here I am.

I'm not running after anyone anymore. I think people's decision to leave is their choice, not mine. Things happen and I've been trying to forgive more freely. I've apologized for my mistakes and for things I've done, reasons people have left. I've decided to give up my grudges and let people feel the way they do and not let it get to me anymore. That's been the hardest part, just letting go. Letting go of those situations, the people, the way I've been living.

But it's so worth it because even this morning I woke up feeling like the sun was shining brighter and the day would be good. My serendipity for today is realizing that life goes on and only you can make the necessary changes to make your life more worthwhile.

"Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance."

Happy Birthday to Sam and my brother, but mostly Sam. I wanted to blog about her today in honor of her birthday. YAYAYA. Sam is one of my best friends. I only met her really on Black Friday in  November, when she was home from NAU for Thanksgiving. We quickly became fast friends. We were the only girls in a group full of crazy weird boys. We started casually facebook chatting. That lead to texting and extensive facebook chatting. We talked about everything, about life, about people, about our dreams, about our likes, our dislikes. We realized how similar we were and we just clicked. The rest of winter break was spent hanging out and talking. We really got close once she went back to Flag and I stayed here, although we were living the same life both places. We spread ourselves too thin, then got tired of it, and just become slackers, the best slackers mind you. (We're good at it.) She's been my cheerleader ever since. She gives me the strength to push on and find what I really want to do with my life. Without her, this semester would've been even crappier than it was. I'm excited for her to be home for good for awhile. Sam, you're this wonderful person and without you, my Friday nights would suck, and so would my life. I love you.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

Day 1 Full time wasn't a lot of fun, but it did reveal something. I will never do a desk job for the rest of my life. It is not the career for me. I love being hands on and crafty. I'd much rather spend my time decorating and planning the space I'm working in, then actually sitting and working. 

Tomorrow I know will be spent at work squeezing in extra cutesy gift making for Sam. I'm going way over the top, but it's so hard to rein myself in especially for my best friend.  In one week, I'll be in line for midnight Eclipse. I know, I probably went down like 500 points in your book, but I swear I'm not a Twi-hard or a Team Edward. I loved the books, strongly disliked the movies, but somehow I see every one. This time, I'm sacrificing myself for my best friend, K, who always goes at midnight when she's at home in San Diego, but she's still here for summer school. I'm a teeny bit excited. I enjoy Tay Laut with his shirt off, I'm not gonna lie. 

I'm probably gonna go start a new book tonight. I'm a little bored, but not overly tired, so it's perfect. Goodnight kids, ps. I hope you love the new layout. I had fun making it. 

Change is coming. 

"Shouldn't be so complicated, just hold me and then just hold me again. Can you help me I'm bent? I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together."

Tomorrow begins my first day full time as a receptionist this summer. Yikes. Meghan is going on vacation till next Friday and it's probably going to be the most stressful week to date. But hey, I get an hour lunch everyday? Yeah, I regret agreeing to this over a month ago. I always agree to this stuff way before I consciously think about it especially if it's far away. Oh well, it's more money and I'm going broke quick.

Yesterday I was spontaneous. Yes, me. I was spontaneous, it's a huge shocker ha. I had some time to kill before working at the Walmart, so I popped by a salon close by for a walk in bang trim. My side bangs are severely over grown and bugging the crap out of me. I ended up asking for straight across bangs. They are usually something I regret, but I was a dying for a change in my life, if only in my bangs, I'd take it. I absolutely love them. She did them so perfect and I've always seen a positive reaction even though I'm so not used to them.

Off subject, I totally keep wanting to bust into song via typing in this blog depending upon what song I'm listening to at the moment. It's wonderful. Well that's it. Just me dragging my feet through this muck. I'm a lot grateful for my family. They're fantastic people, if I have to be stuck with anyone, I'm glad I'm stuck with them. :)

Oh yes and my hairrrrrr. :)

always, elle

"Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."

"I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope." - Grey's Anatomy

I wish I knew who was worth trusting, even the people I've seen stand by me, let me down. It all stems from this: not being able to grow up and move on. We can't let go of those who hurt us, the words they said, the things they did or didn't do. This bitterness is poison to us, but we're addicted.

I am not an exception to this rule. I can still remember when I wore my favorite striped sweater in 6th grade and two kids asked me if I got it out of a garbage can and I can still remember the words that were spoken to me during my first breakup and I know what my mom said when she didn't want me to follow my dreams. I harbor on things. Even now my heart is heavy with confusion and hurt. I don't understand. I feel like I give my all to people only to receive dishonesty and lies by people I completely love and trust. I'm not perfect either, but I hope for the best in others as they hope for the best in me. I try so hard to give that to all of those people I call my friends. I slip up, but I try and fix things, but sometimes they're unfix-able even with multiple "I'm sorry's." That's made me seriously question people's maturity and their real ages by their actions and choices.

I try to be the bigger person, to apologize and forgive, but it seems to get me nowhere fast because I guess the people I thought I knew, I really don't know that well and I'm just so confused. Everything is so confusing and it's spiraling and I do not who to hold onto or what to grab to keep me from going crazy.

"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body."

"So fathers, be good to your daughters; Daughters will love like you do"

Just a quickie post, I am so very blessed with a wonderful dad. He sees my potential enough to believe in my success to pay for real estate school and college. He listens and trusts and loves unconditionally. I am so glad I am like him because he is a wonderfully giving and gracious person, something I hope to be every day of my life. I love you daddy. Thank you for treating me like the princess you always thought I was. I loved being your daddy's girl.

Happy Father's Day and to Trey, one day you will make the most wonderful dad. You are funny and you listen and your arms are loving and always open and you'll be there for them. That's all you'll need to make a great dad to our kids someday. I love you.

always, elle

"See the world as your self. Have faith in the way things are."

I know it's been awhile since I've been feeling serendipity, seriously. I'm sorry to leave you hanging, but I'm back. :)

1. Twenty Before 20: Since I've seemingly inspired everyone to make theirs, I realized I never shared mine that I finally finished.  So here it is: (bold-done;italics-in the process)

1. Take a road trip anywhere with anyone.
2. Learn to drive stick.
3. See the "world's largest" something.
4. Try sushi.
5. Buy a record player.
6. Save $2000.
7. Buy a new camera.
8. See Hogwarts.
9. Choose a career.
10. Learn to sew.
11. Make my mom proud.
12. Sell 10 houses.
13. Ride a mechanical bull for more than a few seconds.
14. Stay out until sunrise.
15. Get my cartilage pierced.
16. Watch every episode of Sex and the City.
17. Take a picture with all of my favorite famous people's stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
18. Find a healthy and satisfying work out routine and stick to it.
19. Redecorate this mess of a room. 
20. Get a 4.0 GPA.

2.  Toy Story 3! : OMG OMG OMG! We went to see it at midnight at the San Tan Mall and it was the most fantastic thing ever. I seriously cried. I loved it. It was so funny and cute and so true to the amazing-ness of the first two. My new favorite movie of this year by far. Go see it you won't be disappointed at all. 

3. Nook: I know I posted about it earlier this week, but it's seriously the coolest thing. Charlotte has become my new best friend. I carry it everywhere and I read with every spare second I have. It's so convenient and the battery lasts forever. For me, it has become a worthy purchase. I've finished three books on it so far. Skinny Bitch, Something Borrowed, and Something Blue. I started reading The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud last night too. I highly recommend the first three. I finished them all so quickly. I know I look like a nerd when I read in restaurants or in the car, but I just love it so much. Definitely worth the money. 

4. New Makeup: I'm not one to buy new makeup, but when your eyeliner is the size of your thumbnail, there tends to be an issue. I went out on a limb and bought two new items to add to my black makeup case that I now adore.  First is Maybelline the Falsies Volume Express. It boasts being like fake eyelashes and for someone with short horrible eyelashes, this was so appealing. After curling them, I did two coats and I adored it. It was so dark and my eyelashes looked substantially longer, more so than when I coat three or four different mascaras on top of each other. Then, I went out on a limb from pencil eyeliner and decided to try this Maybelline Eye Studio gel eyeliner. I'm really bad at liquid eyeliner, so I was nervous this would be similar. It was so easy to put on with the little brush in a straight thin or thick line. A word of caution because it is so long lasting and hard to get off, make sure you pay attention and take your time because fixing spots is a pain.  But I did like both of them a lot. 

5. New Plans: It's plain to see that my obsession with weddings is out of control. I spend my free moments watching the most random wedding shows reveling in the details like the right dress or venue. I feel like I'm constantly second guessing myself. I've never done fashion before, is it right to jump into something head first that I really don't know if I'll like. The other day, I don't know how we started talking about it, but Sam had mentioned her and her mom talking about how good I'd be at wedding planning and how she could see me doing that more than anything else. I honestly never thought about it. Being a wedding consultant. It never crossed my mind even watching The Wedding Planner or 27 Dresses. I started on a quest to find out how to become one because there's no predetermined major that guarantees success in the business. Last night I decided upon an Associates Degree in PR (Public Relations) and then I'll do an online course to become certified in wedding planning and find a job or internship with a Wedding Planning business. It really makes so much sense. So, now I've shared it with you despite knowing the reaction will be how indecisive I am and how I probably will change my mind again. Whatever, you obviously don't know how addicted I am to weddings and details. 

always, elle

"Well, that’s your opinion, isn’t it? And I’m not about to waste my time trying to change it."

I have some exciting news. Some big plans. Some BIG ideas. Here's your hint, but stay tuned until tomorrow for the full story.