stressfulness swirling in my head.

There is so much on my mind. It's pretty incredible that I can still focus on anything else. Two things really, big deal things in my mind and I don't know why.

Yesterday I was reading my past blog entries and I feel like all I do is whine and complain about the same thing every time in different forms: love. I know this is my blog and I can talk about anything and everything because it's mine, but somehow I feel that people get sick of hearing me talk about it. Trust me, I get sick of talking about it. I want so badly for the situation and the issues to be resolved, for a decision to be made, but I feel like I will only accept one decision and that's pretty selfish on my part. I don't know how to stop loving you, so I won't because I feel like it's right, like I'm supposed to. A lot of people told me that this isn't worth it, that I'm stupid for waiting around, hanging by a thread for you. But to me, it's worth more than anything in the world. When I'm with you, nothing else matters. When you look at me, I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. It's cliche, but it's true. I want you to choose, but if you don't want to, I'd stay in this middle with you forever because I'd be with you.

Other than my non-existant love life, I'm currently engulfed in college stuff, mostly how I plan to get there without the support of my parents. Tonight my stepmom decided it'd be a good idea to have a family meeting about my college plans, which both my mom and I find useless because despite what her and my dad want, I'm going. I've spent countless hours researching, writing essays, applying to every scholarship I possibly can just to get to NAU. I know you're wondering why my well off dad and stepmom won't pay or support me at all. They think college is a waste of time and money, and no I'm not kidding. They would rather me live at home, go to community college, drop out, and then come work for them as a realtor. It frustrates me so much because I just want their support, for them to say, we want whatever you want in life and if that's becoming a teacher, we want you to go for it. But I'll never have that and I'm just trying to accept it. I'm glad I have the support of my mom though because without her I don't think I would've been able to make it these past few months dealing with them.

I crave solutions to everything. I feel like if I try hard enough and exhaust every resource, I will be able to solve every problem. But sadly life doesn't work that way and you can't always get what you want. One day maybe, I'll learn that.