Is it possible to take steps forward without somehow stepping back in the process? In my experience, no. I take about 18 steps forward, moving in a positive direction, then out of the blue I fall backwards about 60 steps and further back than where I started. All I try to do is make you happy and somehow in some way I fail. I'm a completely different person and I don't think you see me for who I am. Everyone keeps telling me to give up, this isn't worth it. But I can't. I'm usually the first person person to quit when the going gets rough, but now I can't bring myself to do it.
I don't know why. Fear maybe? Hope? I don't know. But definitely love. Nobody understands my perseverance in this matter, in my chase for you. I'm like a love sick puppy chasing after steak on fishing pole. I get close to biting it and then in a heartbeat it's yanked away. I keep blaming myself like I'll never do things right, I'll never be enough, and that hurts so bad. Strike 1. Strike 2. I feel Strike 3 on the horizon to my stupid ideas.
I blame this wallowing on my crashing immune system. I've been sick since last weekend and have barely improved, probably gotten worse in fact. I went home sick yesterday, half physically, half emotionally. I spent Tuesday night up, writing, drawing, crying, completely draining myself of feeling. It's not possible for Danielle, as much as I wish it was. So today I woke up feeling just as crappy and I wanted to go to school to get away from my lonely self, but physically I couldn't do it.
This is the beginning of an intrapersonal-stage and I think I'm okay with it. I will keep writing, reading, painting, and diving into my senior project.
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