heading above.

I think I have finally found the perfect quote to describe me. "I've wasted more time dreaming than living." This is so true in a million aspects, it's ridiculous. I believe I spent most of middle school and high school living in an ever changing fantasy future that I was slowly planning day by day. Parts were altered depending on the boy of the moment who became my prince charming or the dream career I had chosen to pursue that week. I believed every guy I liked was my future husband especially the one I was obsessed with for all three years of middle school. I swore one day he'd wake up and realize I was his "soulmate" like I passionately said he was.

Middle school was really only the beginning of my delusions. In high school, I met and fell in love with the first boy who understood my complicated emotions and who I could control with a flip of my dark brown locks making him swear I was always right. (Yes, I was that ridiculous and I'm so sorry Casey) I will be honest we started saying I love you well before we were "official," because we had made plans to get married and have lots of beautiful babies. True story. We talked about topics that were so expansive and far fetched like whether or not to breast feed our babies to where we would we get married. I honestly still can't comprehend myself back then. I didn't tell most people about my ridiculous fantasies besides him. They didn't understand, but now I realize neither did he. He just loved me so much that he tolerated and went along with it.

Now I kind of wished he would have told me I was crazy because maybe I would have snapped out of that fictional reality. I attribute most of the heartbreak I felt to those dreams and fantasies I had for so long. I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings but in a different sense. It's hope. I don't need a happily ever after, just being happy right now. Your reality is probably much more different than your dreams, but nothing less satisfying because it's real, it's there, it's not something you dreamt up, you can touch it and feel it.

I'm done planning a ridiculous future for myself, I would rather live an amazing life unplanned and spontaneous and real. :)