admittance.

I was wrong about him (T). He was only meant for me to get my mind off the old him (C) for a day. His gazes at me in class really did mean creep, not flattery. I still wish the better him(N) knew I existed. Okay, so he does know I exist, but we're friends, that's it. People say N likes me, but I don't see it. He likes her. I watch the way he plays with her hair and tickles her in front of everyone, but only does that to me in secret. It's a lost cause. I have to give this obsessive puppy dog thing up. It's a waste of time, I'm sad to say.

Despite the hopelessness in my love life, I had a lot to be thankful for yesterday and everyday. A God who loves and forgives me unconditionally. The best friends in the world. The craziest loudest family who makes life worth living and catchphrase worth playing. I'm also thankful for not having talked to him in a whole day. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it's a step. If he can move on so quickly, shouldn't I be able to?

I think that hurts me the most. I don't even know this girl, but yet I feel so much animosity towards her because I feel like she stole something that was mine. It's like when you were 5 and you were holding a doll, but you put it down and walked away only to turn around and realize another girl was rocking the doll to sleep, but it was yours only 2 minutes before and you wanna just steal it back. That's sadly how I feel. I'm still so in love with you. I want to stop believing that you're gonna come back because then maybe, just maybe I will be able to move on. I've gotten rid of every trace of you physically, but the two places I can't rid you from are my heart and my head.

And then you feel so low you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when we said forever and always

And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it baby, you said forever and always, yeah
Taylor Swift - Forever & Always

P.S. If the blog is titled admittance, I should probably mention I received my letter of admittance from NAU, with scholarship :)